Monday, May 25, 2009

Facility Living

There are unsubstantiated rumors that my Faerie Queene is "vacationing" at a facility care of Grandmama. As one accustomed to facility living, I hope this works out for her. She needs whatever help she can get.

Especially because the finger bruises below are rather suggestive of wider issues:


And isn't the expression on Owen Thomas' face priceless? Something to the effect of "get your talons off me." I dunno. He's obviously not the finger bruiser, or finger banger! HA. Nom. Nom.

Ooops. My nurse is here. Gotta run.

UPDATE: I have had a long day of talking about my feelings and such. I am at the facility. My beloved is at a different kind of facility (or so the rumor has it). Also, sex bruises are nothing to be ashamed of. Parading them around, I am told, is tacky. And attention seeking and probably indicative of wider issues. Sometimes people get help for their 'personality problems,' again, so I am told! I feel woozy. I don't know what they are giving me here, but it beats the hell out of, excuse me, is a lot better than the windy vestibule. 
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75 comments:

  1. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 10:14 AM

    I don't really think that is funny.
    :(

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 10:17 AM

    10:14 - Ditto. This crosses the line, even more than the fat comments do. And I say this as somebody who loves reading the fat comments.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 10:24 AM

    I am all for snarking the ridiculousness but this was just like a punch in the stomach.

    ReplyDelete
  4. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 10:28 AM

    Yep. Tasteless and terrible. This ought to be removed.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 10:36 AM

    I really hope you had some kind of independent tip or something about the canyon ranch. If you are you really just posting this based on the blind speculation in the last thread, then...um, well...maybe it's time for you to take a break too, Jacy.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 10:37 AM

    What are you all upset about? Just because Michael McDonald refers to his beauty therapist as nurse?

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:10 AM

    I'm also confused. Not wishing to rock the boat but are people upset thinking this refers to her mental health or.. something else? I thought Canyon Ranch was just an overpriced spa, not like a mental institution. Isn't this just another variant on the fat comments?

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  8. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:15 AM

    I'm with the last commenter. I think Canyon Ranch is just a spa.

    ReplyDelete
  9. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:25 AM

    Canyon Ranch is not just a spa, it's a lifestyle. /snark

    ReplyDelete
  10. It's Nice to be NiceMay 25, 2009 at 11:27 AM

    OperationNice.com links to news articles about good deeds and asks bloggers to take an oath of niceness. The blog was created 10 months ago by Melissa Morris Ivone, a 28-year-old graphic designer in Cinnaminson, N.J., who was inspired after a stranger held the door for her in an elevator. She wanted to create an oasis of good vibes online.

    “Blogs, message boards and comments sections are just settings for people to verbalize their (usually negative) opinions,” Ms. Ivone wrote in an e-mail message. “Personally, I wanted a little corner that was free of all that.”

    So far, more than 1,100 readers, many of them fellow bloggers, have taken her oath of niceness, allowing them to post an Operation Nice seal of approval on their blogs and Facebook pages.

    ReplyDelete
  11. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:28 AM

    1,100 readers!!!!!! in 10 months!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:29 AM

    @11:28: That's 1,11 per month, which = about 40 per day

    ReplyDelete
  13. EmMay 25, 2009 at 11:32 AM

    I think those are the ones who have actually taken the oath. So 1,100 blogs.

    ReplyDelete
  14. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:34 AM

    Can Owen Thomas possibly be a bigger douche?

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:37 AM

    I find it transparently clear that frivilous one needed a quick tan and tone pit stop for her grand appearance at the GU reunion. Sensitivity regarding mental illness was never her forte, don't forget she disclosed JL's Bipolar condition to the internets without his permission.

    ReplyDelete
  16. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:40 AM

    There are so many picture of her kissy-facing Owen Thomas. Too funny. Guess that "charm offensive" didn't work given she called him a "little cunt" a few months ago.

    Also ... what is so wrong with this post?

    Oh right ... we are supposed to be "nice" now. I missed the memo!

    ReplyDelete
  17. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:40 AM

    Jankles has also referred to the disabled as retards plenty of times. She once posted a picture of JL's dirty old sneakers and said he looked like a retard wearing them.
    Have a great day! xo

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:40 AM

    Owen's face! That photo is a meme waiting to happen. Photoshop experts?!

    ReplyDelete
  19. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:42 AM

    11:37 Get over it already, no one remembers that it was a year ago. sheesh!
    Have a great day! xo

    ReplyDelete
  20. FatFarmFannieMay 25, 2009 at 11:43 AM

    She is among us. The braying!!! My ears are killing me!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. DyspepticMay 25, 2009 at 11:45 AM

    I find it so strange that certain prissy commenters are objecting to this post.


    Have a wonderful day! xxoo

    ReplyDelete
  22. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 11:46 AM

    cut it out with the fucking spam shit. im tired of people pimping other blogs in the comments. just knock it off it's lame.

    ReplyDelete
  23. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:52 AM

    PP remember enjoy parsing JA stuff with Skyy Vodka!

    ReplyDelete
  24. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 11:54 AM

    stfu anon. everyone knows the only way to enjoy snark is with delicious Franzia(tm) learn more at franzia.com!

    ReplyDelete
  25. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:56 AM

    PP I am off to a family picnic now and I will be bringing my new Kodak Easyshare V1273 camera for some priceless photos.
    Have a great day! xo

    ReplyDelete
  26. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 11:58 AM

    Partypants, I find it strange you would say that. I was just reading lunch.com and they said a little spam never killed anyone.
    Have a great day! xo

    ReplyDelete
  27. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 12:04 PM

    She is going to Canyon Ranch to eat rabbit food for 5 days, and get all sorts of herbal massages and rubs so she can show up at the G'town reunion looking all pretty. Canyon Ranch is an overpriced spa for fat, middle aged, overweight matrons with too much time and money or their hands, thus a perfect fit for Cankles Allison. All of you who thought it was a "facility", relax. Go have a beer or something.

    ReplyDelete
  28. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 12:09 PM

    12:04 It is a 3 day sabbatical. Five days would be far too much a sacrifice.
    Have a great day! XO

    ReplyDelete
  29. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 12:11 PM

    And btw, the reason she can't blog or twitter is because no computers are allowed at Canyon Ranch, and to use your cellphone you have to go outside the premises.

    What a cow. I can't stand her.

    ReplyDelete
  30. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 12:12 PM

    or better yet go try a satisfying kashi golean bar to show support for chunkers allison's weight loss journey.

    ReplyDelete
  31. contortedcancklesMay 25, 2009 at 12:19 PM

    I'm confused.

    Jackles says she's going away for about 3 days which I read as a 2 night/3 day stay. Yet, she says in her farewell post, "I doubt that I'll make it until Thursday."

    Is she just confused about what day it is?

    ReplyDelete
  32. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 12:22 PM

    I don't get it. How much weight can she possibly lose in three days? Isnt this just going to fuck her up even more? its just dehydration weight right? -confused-

    ReplyDelete
  33. Bonnie BellevueMay 25, 2009 at 12:25 PM

    There's no crossing any line here. Jackles is a nut case who will probably end up institutionalized at some point. Interesting that all the anon "crossing the line" b.s. appears right before we get spammed again by It's Nice To Be Nice. Nicey? Get the fuck outta here.

    ReplyDelete
  34. contortedcancklehookerMay 25, 2009 at 12:26 PM

    It's supposed to be like a jump start for getting back on a good eating/excercise plan-Similar to how blueprint should really be used (if at ALL)...

    All Jackles is doing is messing up her metabolism by starving and then going back to her regular eating cupcakes and juice and mama baugher's 7 layer cranberry gaucomole.

    ReplyDelete
  35. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 12:37 PM

    Canyon Spa is supposed to be a lifestyle program, like Weight Watchers, that is the opposite of binging and purging

    Juice cleansing is the opposite of healthy

    ReplyDelete
  36. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 12:39 PM

    thanks for clarifying for us, julia

    ReplyDelete
  37. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 12:48 PM

    Quite frankly if her association with Blueprint is any indication - and assuming she is actually doing this - this will not only be a HUGE waste of money, but a bigger disaster than Blueprint. She has exhibited little to no self-control, particularly with food, and unless she has her fridge stocked with only healthy goods for her return she'll be back to eating whatever's clever and it will backfire enormously.

    ReplyDelete
  38. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 12:53 PM

    a nice round of anamia should take care of her rolls. just sayin.

    ReplyDelete
  39. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 12:58 PM

    I just hope she really went to fat camp/farm and is not sipping Pina Coladas, pardon me, Virgin Coladas of course, off a hot guy's chest in the Dominican Republic or some other beachy location...
    But back to unsubstantiated rumors. Seriously, how much weight CAN you lose in three days? There are no miracles just as there is no free lunch.

    ReplyDelete
  40. CancklehookerMay 25, 2009 at 1:00 PM

    The problem is that she drinks juices FILLED with natural sugar all day long. Yes, I know natural sugar is better than bleached sugar etc. However, if you're running on empty all day long and filling your belly with sugar (not matter what kind) it's going to slow your metabolism down. Way down.

    Juicing may work for short-term immediate weightloss of 3-6 lbs but the minute one ingests real food, that weight comes right back on. Plus, I bet she ravenous at night when she stops juicing---all that natural sugar will make insulin levels fluctaute causing a low blood sugar attack, eventually leading to MAJOR HUNGER.

    ReplyDelete
  41. cancklehookerMay 25, 2009 at 1:02 PM

    I think she's sipping pina cols in the DR, Ironic. It's just fun to think of her at Canyon Ranch. I bet she got some $299 all inclusive DR special. If she looked good in a bikini, she'd be lifecasting the whole way.

    ReplyDelete
  42. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 1:06 PM

    I'm not shocked PP doesn't know how one loses weight.

    ReplyDelete
  43. DownbythedockshookerMay 25, 2009 at 1:09 PM

    PP looks better than you @ 1:06 and she's not even trying.

    ReplyDelete
  44. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 1:09 PM

    It's 3 days, it's not that hard to question why anyone would think weight they lost in that amount of time was anything but water weight. It's not just unhealthy, but impossible, and will return even before anyone resumes their normal (or in her case, pretty unhealthy) eating habits. Never mind that the body holds on to fat aka starvation mode when it's senses it isn't being fed and won't be for some time. Thus, a temporary solution and waste of money.

    ReplyDelete
  45. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 1:11 PM

    What a fraud she is. So she started braying about taking a break from the Internet when she booked her fat farm stay and was told there were no computers, cellphones or PDAs allowed. The woman goes through life bullshitting people. Poor Harvard guy.

    ReplyDelete
  46. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 1:17 PM

    Crash dieting = Kirstie Alley

    ReplyDelete
  47. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 1:35 PM

    Cancklehooker, DR is a glam vacay which translates to photo ops. Fat farm = not glam, indicates weakness/failure to vapid one so there will be no disclosure/photo evidence. Truth massaging of a fat farm is impossible, even for the most disingenuous among us.
    Have a great day! xo

    ReplyDelete
  48. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 1:47 PM

    DR is a cheap ass vacay. It's the cheapest way to go tropical/hot and all inclusive on route of out NYC. Sure, there are glam options but the best deals are in the DR.

    ReplyDelete
  49. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 2:16 PM

    face it guys: she's in her apartment drinking blueprint and doing enemas, crying in front of pizzahut.com, praying that her ex-classmates got fat

    ReplyDelete
  50. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 2:27 PM

    I think a plastic surgery excursion (w/ recovery time) is totally plausible. She could jet down to Florida, get those "unacceptable" upper lids lifted, and lose some weight in the process.

    ReplyDelete
  51. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 2:31 PM

    Any weight lost in 3 days will not be visible to the naked eye. Her pants might fit better (lost water weight) but that's about it.

    ReplyDelete
  52. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 2:35 PM

    shes probably in her bathroom running steam, wrapped in saran wrap. that would be pretty warm.

    ReplyDelete
  53. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 2:51 PM

    I think she's doing the Landmark Forum! 3 days to figure out why she's such an asshole!

    ReplyDelete
  54. coloniccanklesMay 25, 2009 at 2:59 PM

    Maybe Mary is coming to her rescue to administer a home colonic. Then Dr. Bobby will come by for more wonk eye injections, and plumping to fill in those donkey bray lines. Ma'ma Baugher will serve up her healthy choice Gauc Cran dip. Brother Britt will read from a his MIT notes, hoping to immerse Julia's brain in something other than HERSELF. Papa Baugher will as usual video whatever Julia wishes...perhaps a lip dub on the colonic table. David Karp will stop by just to make her feel special. And Michael McDonald can fly into town for a photo essay on the entire (vac)ation.

    ReplyDelete
  55. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 3:03 PM

    I'm starting to think she's angling for an appearance on an episode of intervention.

    ReplyDelete
  56. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 3:14 PM

    I think what's questionable about this post (besides reposting rumors from other threads as if they're "real" rumors) is the suggestion of domestic violence. What is that about?

    ReplyDelete
  57. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 3:16 PM

    I'm still convinced that she's just staying in her apartment, not blogging as usual.

    ReplyDelete
  58. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 3:24 PM

    @ 3:14 What's questionable about that is that you have to have a domestic life to have domestic violence.

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  59. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 3:42 PM

    Very sensitive. Good thing DV isn't a serious issue or anything.

    ReplyDelete
  60. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 3:44 PM

    @3:42 Yes this IS really the place for a sensitive discussion of DV. I'm utterly PRO DV because I'm making a joke about Julia. I've never had any experience at al with DV or violence against women and you're right,l we can never ever ever make jokes about anything bad.

    ReplyDelete
  61. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 3:49 PM

    3:14:
    I think it's rather about sex bruises which can happen without domestic violence being applied and which have been gossiped about while she was dating Men's Health's Dave Zinczenko and reportedly boasted about sex-bruising. http://gawker.com/news/julia-allison/julia-allison-wrestles-with-zinczenko-relationship-249553.php
    The unsubstantiated rumors are not treated as facts in this post, indicated by them being referred to as "unsubstantiated rumors" before being employed for an in my opinion rather funny post. But to each his/her own.

    ReplyDelete
  62. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 3:50 PM

    anon 3:14: not domestic violence. rough sex.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Troll-HaterMay 25, 2009 at 3:55 PM

    the trouble is with some commenters ... they aren't fully schooled in all things jankles. those of us who have been following her for a couple of years know all about the bruising and finger-banging boasts. those who just came on board the last few weeks or months don't. for that reason, consider the possibility before you take issue with a post that POSSIBLY it's a joke you might not be getting.

    ReplyDelete
  64. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 4:02 PM

    Sorry, why is someone shilling some hand-holding website in the comments and they haven't been deleted? SPAM SPAM SPAM

    Are people upset that MM referenced domestic violence or that JAB is going to a detox spa/fat camp?

    The DV joke is kinda borderline to be honest. It isn't like he said "someone should smack this girl" or "a man should hit some sense in here" which is some DV humor I've seen around here and it is unacceptable. However, saying JAB might have bigger issues at hand because she has bruises is...meh. Not really blaming the victim or condoning violence is it?

    Anyways, JAB has said on numerous occasions that those marks are birthmarks, not bruises. So everyone can rest easy about Julia's personal health, as if people commenting on a hate-snark site actually care about the feelings/well-being of the person they attack.

    ReplyDelete
  65. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 4:12 PM

    For the last time, take your centipede filled vaginas, DoveCampaignforbeauty, woman power dv bullshit to fucking jezebel. this not hugsandselfesteemforfuckups.com. it is makefunofadumbbitch.com.

    so please go back to the kitchen and shut the hell up.

    ReplyDelete
  66. cancklecuntortionsMay 25, 2009 at 4:19 PM

    PartPants...

    you are my hero.

    ReplyDelete
  67. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 4:26 PM

    Yeah, the Gawker thing about Little Miss Sunshine having a "dirty chat" about bruises at a party fits right in with the tutus and schoolgirl fetishwear she's so fond of.

    ReplyDelete
  68. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 4:41 PM

    @Partypants: I love you enough to give you many many bruises right now.

    ReplyDelete
  69. partypantsMay 25, 2009 at 4:51 PM

    4:41 i cant leave you anon. I LOVE YOU. I KNOW YOULL CHANGE!

    ReplyDelete
  70. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 4:53 PM

    @Partypants: Just stop making me hit you and everything will be fine.

    ReplyDelete
  71. SomeProblemsMay 25, 2009 at 7:17 PM

    I think the real question is, 'who hasn't had finger bruises!?'

    Though i agree with MM that parading them around *is* pretty lame and tacky.

    ReplyDelete
  72. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 7:25 PM

    @SomeProblems:

    She didn't just parade them around. She made sex bruises a topic of conversation at an Arianna Huffington party.

    Also see this Gawker piece about her sex talk at NYU, where she kept asking the host to spank her harder:

    http://gawker.com/364295/all-available-evidence-points-to-julia-allison-liking-it-raw

    ReplyDelete
  73. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 7:30 PM

    That's all just an act. She is a complete prude in the bedroom. Zzzzzz.

    ReplyDelete
  74. AnonymousMay 25, 2009 at 7:58 PM

    Indeed. Those who are skilled in the bedroom don't need to talk about it.

    ReplyDelete
  75. AnonymousMay 26, 2009 at 8:39 AM

    @7:58 Dr. Gary DDS, is that you?

    ReplyDelete

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