Thursday, May 28, 2009

Julia: Deep Thoughts That Would Intensely Irritate Mother Teresa

Aren't we all trying to reinvent ourselves?

I'll admit it. When she wasn't polluting Twitter for a few days, I forgot just how annoying her "deep thoughts" can be.

Let's start answering them, shall we? I'll start, then you commenters continue on.

Dear Julia:

No, we are not all trying to reinvent ourselves. Some of us are quite happy with the way we are. Some of us don't read self-help books endlessly, or rely on astrologers and psychics to give us some insight into ourselves like 13-year-old girls, or take solace in trite, banal assumptions like the one you just quoted. Some of us don't mess with our faces 24/7 and wear false eyelashes and hair pelts every time we leave the house, or secretly diss our best friends for fear that they're prettier and more popular than us. You think this is normal? That we're "all" afflicted with your illness? It's not normal. Please, for the love of Harvard Guy and all things holy, get some help and sort out your shit, would you?

A three-day "vacation" and you're still spewing out this lunacy? Are you kidding us? It's a joke, right? I find it strange that you would joke about something like this.

Have a nice day! xoxo



    Dear Julia,

    Why the fuck do you think it's cute to pose like fucking Baby Jane doing her "I've written a letter to daddy" dance?

  2. She's a very odd person. And I hate when she acts as though she speaks for women, or people, in general with her use of the royal we. It's so patronizing.

  3. Crazy people reinvent themselves all the time...for example, a loon would post a picture of a heart drawn in the sand that she's "proud of" and have you believe she drew it on her reinvented vacation... because she wants you to believe she was at the beach... forgetting that her camera embeds a timestamp in the image. The photo was shot on Feb 12, 2007.

    She's really creepy.

  4. Bang on, Jacy.

    Normal people also don't believe women have expiration dates or that they let themselves go and stop working out the minute they manage to convince some poor, deluded and defrauded moron to marry them.

    Does anyone doubt she'd be just like Kate of that bad reality show if she ever does land a husband? She will harass the poor man.

  5. that heart in the sand picture is from a river or lake. No seaweed, no shells. More grey mud-pack than clearor blondish granular sand. She was at Lake Michigan or whatever, where her fmaily is, I'll bet.
    And who goes to a 5-year reunion? Seriously? If you dropped/lost all your friends that quickly, they're not gonna be pssyched to see you.

  6. NO, @4:12! You are kidding me!!

  7. Am I going to walk around and rip your ------- lights down, in the middle of an EgoBlog? Then why the ---- are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background. What the ---- is it with you? What don't you ------- understand? You got any ------- idea about, hey, it's ------- distracting having somebody walking up behind MyExpandingAss in the middle of the ------- KissyFacePhoto? Give me a ------- answer! What don't you get about it?

  8. oh snap, feb. 12, 2007, you are right!
    can't take photos at the beach when you're vacationing at a facility, can you now?

  9. For some reason, I predict Julia's marriage will be similiar to an Otto Preminger movie.

  10. 2/12/2007 @ 4:46 to be exact!

    Good find, 4:12 =)

  11. How strange! It looks like she was in Venice Beach, California in late February, 2007:

  12. No, Julia, we are not all reinventing ourselves. Many of us are trying to improve on ourselves, sure, but that is a concept you have consistently failed to grasp so I'll wax on about it no longer.

    Most people have a general idea of who they are at the age of 28. Most people are not delusional enough to think they can change a hairstyle or blog something they found on and think they will be seen in an entirely different light by those who surround them. Most people are generally happy with who they are and what their life is.

    And, as I expect you won’t believe any of that, realize that you are not in fact not capable of reinventing yourself. You are not intelligent enough, not scrappy enough, not self-aware enough to grasp what makes you different from those who deep down I believe you aspire to be like. You will never be anything different then what you have been for the past 28 years. An upper middle class, average-looking woman who reeks of desperation and want so badly to be accepted. You are an entitled worthless twat. Own it before your rapidly approaching expiration date arrives hun, it’s your only shot! And with each cupcake it slides farther and farther away.


    I was allllll totally about ready to give her some props and the benefit of the doubt about her planned reinvention and scaling back from the internet, etc.

    But that time stamp thing on the photo is just TOO TOO CRAZY. Wtf!! Like, I really truly want to believe that we are assholes and she's not that bad but that is so fucking hilariously nuts that I don't know what to do. Why lie? I just don't get it.

    I think I need to quit coming here. It's not making me feel nice to make fun of someone with these real issues, she needs help. Like making fun of Britney when she beats up the car with the umbrella. It ain't right. But it's so hard to look away.

  14. How did you find that out?

    Dang that girl is hilarious with her lies!

  15. Oh wait, no need for alarm, she was just using lawyer speak. She did draw that heart...she just doesn't say when.

    She's just...........UGHHHHHHHHH.

  16. Hey Jacy,

    Not to be a party pooper, but if the lawyers at Getty find out that you are posting their copyrighted photos without paying their fees, they will come down and slap you hard in the ass, call you a bad girl and make you scream for daddy (that's what Julia does when we play that game).

    And we do not want this valuable website, for which you will make "fuck you money" to be brought down by some sleazy lawyer.

    xoxo bunnies!

  17. Anon @ 4:24. Their stamp is all over that picture, so folks will know where it came from. Nothing illegal.

  18. yeah, st. barths...
    oh jowlia, how i find they ineffably infuriating.

  19. SS,

    Ok, then carry on

  20. So this is how Julia Cankles Allison has reinvented herself:

    1. Botox
    2. Restylane
    3. Rhinoplasty
    4. Porcelain tooth crowns
    5. Fake eyelashes
    6. Some speculation about fake boobs as well

    That is how she has continuously reinvented herself.

    What is next for our dear bunny??

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  22. Re: the Getty thing

    I currently work at a large, multi-site blog publishing company (home to a site that has written some things about ol' Jules!) and I can say that the Getty thing might be a problem. Whoever said the watermark is there "to let people know where the photo comes from" obviously doesn't have a lot of expereinece with photo agencies or Getty. The watermark is there on un-bought pictures (if you have an account you have to pay for each picture you download) so that Getty can catch people using the pictures without properly paying for them. You girls might want to look into the possible legal ramification for this because these companies have dozens of people dedicated to following and prosecuting this kind of stuff. One hater emailing Getty and alerting them to this could result in a cease and desist and possibly a lawsuit.

    Now, there are also some other rules that might make this OK. Usually if a picture is set at a "thumbnail" setting (250 pix wide, max) then it is OK. Also, cropping a photo can sometimes make it OK as well, but NEVER crop out the watermark.

    I just want to offer you girls some advice on this sort of thing since I know from first-hand expereince how much of a headache this kind of stuff can be.

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  24. why do you care so much about whether or not the photo is from this vacation or from a previous one? nothing in her post says that she drew THAT heart on THIS particular vacation. maybe she just liked the photo and wanted to use it to illustrate a post about a vacation! seriously, who gives a shit??? it's not watergate, people!

  25. Oh come on, Anon. She was obviously trying to leave the impression that she had just returned from some beach vacation for whatever fucked-up reason that only makes sense to her. Nice try, though.

  26. Julia darling, when you see your life as a fictional character – Carrie Bradshaw 2.0, the Brooklynista hipster when you were dating Lodwick and then Forman, the innocent “I don’t drink, I don’t party, I like to stay at home” slanket girl, the next coming of the feminist movement, the political Washington DC powerplayer, Charlotte “I don’t sleep with anyone until the eleventh date” Upper-East-Side wannabe – you are simply trying an image out for size, similar to the way people try on dresses. The problem becomes that when you attempt to build a business and a brand based on the ever-changing, and increasingly conflicting images, eventually, the critics will call you inauthentic. And when shades of a personality come out – the passive-aggressive bitchy swipes at alleged friends and business partners, the inconsiderate treatment of just about anyone who cannot immediately help further your career – these critics will shriek with glee.

    Julia, an image can be retouched, retooled, photoshopped, and reinvented. Given your recent embrace of photoshop’s liquefy function, I am sure you are all too well aware of this. However, a personality – and moreover, a person – cannot just be rebooted and restarted at a whim. Generally speaking, personalities are more than just some one-dimensional thing scribbled on some Hollywood script. And, truth be told, it’s ok in your late twenties not to know who you are. I’m a couple of years younger than you, and I haven’t got the foggiest notion of who I am. But at the same time, I’m not in the process of trying out characters for size, as if I was pursuing some Betsey Johnson sample sale. Personalities can’t be discarded so easily, and the growing voices of critics you now face are indicative of this notion.

    This is not about the copious amounts of makeup, the ridiculous costumes you sport, or your perception that good content stems from spouting off quotes pulled from airport books. Julia, our problem about you lies in you as a person – or rather, the lack of a genuine, authentic you. And no matter what spin you attempt to put on it “reinvention”, “taking a break from the internet” or “spiritual reawakening”, you can’t try on any more dresses or characters for size and expect your brand identity to grow.

  27. Totally agree with 4:38

    The watermark isn't like a source credit. It indicates that the photos are owned by Getty and have not been paid for (and need to be). It is a problem because it violates their copyright. Just because it says Getty on it doesn't make it okay to post when you don't own the rights to it.

  28. Thanks for the tips, motherfuckers. I have unsheathed my pistol and pistol-whipped these fucking buttholes into unconsciousness.

    And I replaced the pictures with real sweet ones of my purty little lady.