So, I’ve been getting a few emails recently from “concerned readers.” What were they concerned about, you ask? Well - ostensibly - me.
Why am I not writing so much? they wanted to know. Why have I not tried therapy? they wanted to know. When will I apologize publicly to Jakob Lodwick? they demanded. (Um? Wha???) What will I do now that I’ve “lost my looks”? (Yes, I got an entire email which used that very phrase.)
There were some positive questions too (So what’s up with all the posts and info about your weight? Have you looked at yourself in those dresses? Did you even need to wear Spanx?) … but the really fun ones used caps to indicate their displeasure “I am MAD!” and then wondered, “Why should readers care about seeing you pose with famous people? “
Um … I don’t really know. Maybe they shouldn’t! Maybe they don’t!
Listen, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’ve disappointed you (even the guy who fake-worried about my looks). I hate disappointing people. I want you to be happy, and I want you to be happy with me.
But the truth is, I’m starting to feel like trying to make other people happy is a pretty sure recipe for my own unhappiness.
I thought I could do it all … and I can’t. As I wrote back in January:
This site is supposed to be light entertainment. Maybe it’s break in your day, maybe it makes you think or smile or laugh or feel less alone, or maybe it’s just your [cliche alert] “guilty pleasure” - I don’t care why you read it, to be honest, as long as it makes you feel good. And if it doesn’t? If you don’t like my content or you feel it should be different? Then - and stay with me here, because this is complicated - don’t. visit. this. website.
I’m sorry if I’ve over-promised and under-delivered - especially recently. I’ve already slowed the frequency and depth of my posts, so instead of blogging until 4 am, I’m actually sleeping at night (mostly). It’s sort of nice, actually.
The truth is, attempting to live your life - while recording it - is not actually as fun or easy as it looks (and believe me, I get it: it looks very easy indeed). It’s a math problem, actually. Let’s assume you have a fairly light 8 hour day, but you need to “cover” it. Assume that even the least competent/witty coverage takes 50-200% of the time of any given activity. That’s a potential 4 to 16 hour addition to a NORMAL day.
When blogging is not your only responsibility - and it’s not - that can quickly become overwhelming. Add that to my overzealous travel schedule from the last six months, along with filming and more behind the scenes drama than I care to revisit - well, I’m astounded I’ve managed to record as much as I have.
And sometimes - I know, this will shock you - sometimes I just don’t want to document my life. I don’t want to take a photo. I don’t want to talk about what I’m doing. I don’t want to sit down and write a recap. And yes, other times I will want to write something - and then I’ll think to myself, “you know what? I don’t want to be judged.”
The truth is, I’m tired. Really tired. But not in a bad way … or a sad way. Not in a … okay, wtf. Why does this sound like a Dr. Seuss book right now?
I just - I need some time to think. I need space - and distance. Time for a lot of the thoughts I’ve been having to percolate. I think one of the biggest problems with blogging is that - almost by definition - it allows very little time for percolating.
Look, I didn’t like politics because of the incessant sucking up, the glad-handing, the constant and obsessive and inherent need politicians had to please their constituents. But lately, that’s what I feel like I’ve created - this tiny microcosm where everyone has an opinion on my life. Imagine sitting in a room with forty people all yelling simultaneously about what, exactly, you should say, act, feel, do - and how, exactly, you’ve screwed up. Except these aren’t people who care about you. Mostly they’re people who DON’T care about you.
It can get a little … overwhelming. And yes, the negativity does get to me - I’m a positive, optimistic, and generally sunny person, and I try to avoid reading the “haters,” if you will, but a single nasty comment can still upset me. Yeah, I’m human. Unfortunately. ;)
Have I made mistakes? Um … absolutely. No one’s debating that, least of all me. I’m still trying to figure this whole “life” thing out.
Here’s the response I just sent to a reader:
What exactly is going on with you these days (refer to your latest IM with Dan)??? People think you are sad/rundown for a reason—your posts and tweets. You don’t come across as very happy (or even near) at this point. Maybe I don’t know what you are going for. I think we have some of the same issues— you just always gloss over everything or pretend you’re so.so.happy (I’m not trying to be ugly, but let’s get real). You’re like EveryWoman.
What is it you want to do? What do you want to accomplish? What is the status for nonsociety?
I’m doing a major lifestyle rehaul for my cousin’s wedding (the 1st week of June, I know this is near the same time as your Georgetown get together). What are you doing to prepare?
Are you really doing anything? Do you care at all about readers? there’s no way to post this on your “community” website (disappointment).
Please don’t send me another form email.
And what I wrote back to her:
I’m definitely at a crossroads, but they’re not unhappy … that’s the thing. I don’t really know how to explain it, but I *AM* quite happy - I just feel very … quiet. And that’s not normal for me. I guess I just want some privacy! hahah oh, the irony.With regard to your questions … I don’t know what I want to do, which is why I’ve said nothing about it. I’m not sure what I want to accomplish, which is why I’ve said nothing about it. I don’t know what the status of nonsociety is, which is why I’ve said nothing about it.
I can’t speak to these things, because I simply don’t have the answers. I don’t really feel the urge to document my life much lately, but I also know that I’m way, way overdue for a non-blogging vacation. So … things may change after that? I don’t really know, to be honest with you.
I’ve been working on a post about it, but it’s hard to find the right words to explain what I feel in my heart - which is - I’m at a fork in the road, but it’s not an unhappy fork, you know? I’ve accomplished most everything I set out to accomplish when I graduated from college. And now I need new goals … but I’m not sure what those goals are yet.
As I said to Dan last night, I wish there were a more positive term for “quarterlife crisis.” I don’t feel like I’m in the midst of a crisis - I just feel as if some of the things which used to make me happy, no longer do.
And so it’s up to me to take the time to figure out where I’m going next. If I lose you, if you decide not to come back as I’m taking time to figure out my next steps, I understand. But “life hands us whatever experiences we need for the evolution of our consciousness” - or so goes an Eckhart Tolle quote I repeat to myself frequently.
And right now, life is telling me to slow down and think a bit.
So please forgive me if that’s what I do.